Karma

I was tucked into bed -- 11:30PM, earlier than usual -- thinking I might actually make it to work on time in the morning. That's not going to happen now since I'm sitting at my desk blogging away. What happened? I was attacked by random thoughts. It started off innocently enough: tomorrow's to do list, what to wear, how to get the water out my ear, and then karma. Why karma? I'm not a very spiritual person, and eastern philosophy, meditation, etc. mean very little to me. But I really think there's something to karma... This revelation was prompted by reflection on my current relationship. I suddenly realized the guy I'm dating is me, or the me I used to be: satisfied, content, and living in the now, not really thinking about the past or the future. Before some of you who know me well object, allow me to qualify this. I'm focusing on relationships only; we all know I'm anal retentive and obsess over the smallest details in every other aspect of my life. But traditionally, when involved with someone, I've preferred to enjoy (or try to enjoy) each day and put off discussions about "where are we going" or "is there a future?" This has frustrated many a man. The tables have now been turned however. Two weeks ago, I too was avoiding that 800-pound gorilla in the middle of the room. I now have no choice to confront it as my time in Kuwait will come to an end within a year and I have to decide what to do with my life. Do I do what's good for me professionally or do I think about my personal life and try to accommodate it? Given the options available to me, there is no truly happy medium; there will have to be a sacrifice. For the first time in my life, I think I'm ready to consider the interests of someone else, but I'm not getting clear, consistent encouragement about whether I should do so. The feminist in me says, "Move on and do what's best for you." The side of me that knows this man well, understands his hesitancy -- hey, he's doing what I normally do -- and recognizes that the little things he does convey what he cannot say. But what does all of this have to do with karma? I'd like a verbal expression of his feelings and hopes. (I'm still not ready to make any plans.) The karma is the last man I dated often asked, and in clear terms, how I felt about him. I deftly avoided answering because I knew he would not like the response and for a variety of reasons -- some twisted -- I did not want to immediately end the relationship. "But, that's only one example," you say. That's no proof of karma. Read on: Before him, Old Seasoned One (as my mother called him) or Osama bin Idiot (as I and my colleagues named him -- shortly after 9/11 we realized that a physical description of bin Ladin also described this man) broke my heart by doing something he knew would hurt me and never providing a full explanation. I did the same thing to the man I dated before the bin Ladin twin, although my transgression was less evil. The guy has never forgiven me, just like I can't forgive my personal terrorist. (It took a while, but I did get over the sordid saga.) There's no need to list all the previous boyfriends, but as I think back, the not so nice things that I did and the pain that I caused, I have since experienced. I think about how easily I walked away from a man who was by my side through some very tough times. Occasionally, he mentions that I never looked back when I got on the plane. He'll agree, that the relationship was limited to a certain time and place, but still, I made the departure chillier than necessary. Subsequently, someone walked away from me with surgical precision. So all of this raises the question, "Am I where I am because of human nature and the whole male/female thing, or is some greater power just evening the score?"